Kaiba aka Mr Fuity and the whole MESSED up Gang
by Aera-Chan
Summary: Um, to make it simple, three words: 1. Really 2. Messed 3. Up. Kaiba goes to the hospital, stupidity ensues. WILL NOT BE UPDATED
1. How it all began MWHAHAHAHA!

This has got to be the dumbest thing i have EVAR written! But! On a lighter note, I think its pretty damn funny... is that a bad thing?

Anyhoo! Its pretty random... and pointless...

To tell ya the truth, this fic is (was) supposed to be extremely serious, a total angst fic done eight times over...

Apparntly, I lack the ability to write something that serious to that extent... or at least not long enough for it to become a real fic without me breaking before hand... and going MAD!!ABSOLUTELY INSANE!

Yeah... so, you get... a stupid fic to read, but please dont let this little note turn you away from reading it... I think its rather entertaining once ya get into it.

Hehehehe. Ive noticed something lately while reviewing my other fics, I have yet to find a style I'm comfortable with, so far... I like this style the most, I hope you do too!

Yeah, okay, enough of the small talk.. on with da stuff ya need to know...

I (Aera) here by verify, that I do not own Yugioh! or any of the characters that appear in this fic (except Leann, the asylum dudes, and the poor molested male nurse named Derek... (bad Kaiba! *scolds Kaiba)

All the characters are somewhat or mostly OOC. (it wouldnt be funny if they were dead on on being in character... hehehe) 

Yeah, I wrote more than what I'm posting at the moment, I just wanna see if you guys like the stupidity, plus I have to write more to actually consider it a chapter.

Well, 'nough said.. on with the stupity! Er... I mean.. Fic, yeah...

Kaiba aka "Mr. Fruity" and the whole MESSED up Yugioh Gang –by Aera-chan

Kaiba lay back on the clean white sheets of the cold hospital bed.

'How did I get here?' Kaiba thought miserably. 'I was outside, waiting for something. Then I cant remember anything. But now I'm here. This is strange.'

Kaiba looked around at his surroundings. Everything was fuzzy, just a blur of dim lights and colors. Soft blinking accompanied by quiet bleeping sounds filled his senses. He could feel small tubes and needles poking into his pale flesh.

'What the hell happened to me?' Kaiba thought as he tried to remember what had taken place a few hours earlier.

~flashback of earlier~

"Mr. Kaiba, may I take your order sir?" a quiet waiter asked as he stood close to the young CEO of Kaiba Corporation. 

"I'll just have a coffee for now. No cream, just black."

"Yes sir." the waiter said hobbling off to get his order.

Kaiba turned back to the older men who accompanied him at his table. "So, gentlemen. My new invention, the…"

~~~ 

The conversation carried on late into the night, finally it was over. Kaiba sighed as he waited outside in the dark night for his ride to arrive.

'Damn, where is he? Stupid man, I told him to be here 20 minutes ago!' Kaiba thought angrily.

Kaiba's stomach growled. 'I guess I should have eaten something. Oh well, I'll have something when I get home. Great, I forgot how much paperwork I have. This is peachy, I guess I can skip out on dinner for tonight, there's always breakfast. Or lunch. Man, I'm starting to feel a little dizzy, but business is business, I cant get behind just because of a little nausea.'

~end flashback~

'Well, that doesn't tell me much, that's all I can really remember though. After that its just black. Maybe I fainted or something, but then again, why are they keeping me here? I would be just fine at home, I don't need any hospital taking care of me! I'm FINE!'

Kaiba thumped the bed softly with his fists. 

'Stupid people! Its all their faults! I'm leaving!' 

Kaiba blinked a few times trying to clear his eyesight to no avail. 'That may be a setback, but no one keeps thee Seto Kaiba prisoner!'

Kaiba gripped the railing alongside the bed and tried to pull himself up into a sitting position. His stomach and chest burned and stung sharply. 

He mumbled a few curses as he fell back panting.

'Evil fiends! They have poisoned me! Or have done something to my body. I cant move. It hurts so bad.'

He felt his chest tenderly. His eyes widened to the sizes of saucers.

'They took my.. my.. NOOOO!!! They got Frances! Evil demons. Damn them. Damn them to Hell!*'

Kaiba threw his arms around in fury and panic, knocking over a lamp, a box of tissues, his cell phone, and a few random books/magazines in the process.

'Fancie! Where is my Frances?!'

Suddenly a nurse ran in, having heard the crash.

"Mr. Kaiba, what's wrong? Are you alright?" She asked in a worried tone of voice.

"Evil demon woman, where is Frances?!" Kaiba shouted at the poor women as he pointed fiercely. 

Sadly enough, he was pointing and shouting at the thing, that he had been looking and demanding for.

His white and red trench coat, dubbed "Frances", hung on a hook in the corner of the room.

"Damn you women, tell me!" 

"Sir? I'm over here." She waved at him weakly, feeling a bit sorry for the poor young man who lay in bed.

Kaiba turned to stare at the other white and red blob that was smudged in his vision.

"Argh! How many of you are there? I demand an answer, fiend woman!" Kaiba yelled pointing in the general direction of the blob, hitting the table that sat next to him. He knocked over several more objects and banged his hand badly.

"This is a set up! Everyone's out to get me! Breathe Kaiba! Breathe!" Kaiba began yelling and mumbling random phrases to himself as he rocked from side to side on the bed.

'What a nut. Why do I _always_ get the loopy ones? Why me?' the nurse, dubbed Leann thought to herself rubbing her temples. 

"Mr. Kaiba, please calm down." she said as she stepped up to him and gently shook his shoulder.

"Aliens, they're real, they're real, woman!" He screamed grabbing hold of the woman's collar, shaking her. "Can you see them? Can you see the…" Kaiba was suddenly quiet, his eyes big. The woman leaned forward to hear him.

"See what? Aliens?"

"No…" Kaiba's eyes got big and round. He whispered quietly. "…the dead people."

He pushed her back a step as he began to giggle insanely.

'Insane. Definitely insane.' Leann thought as she began to pick up the spilled objects. "You are insane, you know that." She said as she placed his cell phone on the table and reached for a "Better Home and Gardens" magazine.

"I'll have you know…" Kaiba began in a cocky voice. "I run a big ass company and am a BLT. I also am a… um, a guy with lots of money. And I have three big roary things that go roar and roar and are shiny."

Kaiba nodded his head in satisfaction.  Leann rolled her eyes.

"Well, I am Leann, a part-time assistant nurse, I have a cat named Mr. Waggles, and go to school at a local community college."

Kaiba's eyes got big again. "Does your cat… have feet? Four of them?"

Leann eyes narrowed in confusion. "Um, yeah, why?"

Kaiba's eyes closed in happiness and contentment. "Feet are good. I have two feet. They are good. Good feet. My boyfriend has two feet. Two good feet."

"Oh, so you're into guys then?"

"Yeah, but my boyfriends not."

Leann's blinked and narrowed her eyes again in confusion. "But he's your boyfriend, shouldn't he… wait, are you like.. into drag? Does he think you're a girl?"  
Kaiba's eyes opened sadly. "He has a girlfriend, I know. Or do I think?"

"Are you the girl?"

"No, I'm a boy, I'm sorry if you haven't noticed, I'm a guy, sorry. But he has a girl, her name is His Valentine. My name is Robert. I ate a candy dispenser this morning. I taste like a French fry. My dog has teeth, he bite me, he is my boyfriend. He dates a girl named Holiday Inn. He doesn't like me, but I want to kiss him."

Leann eyebrows raised in utter confusion.  'Must be the pain killers and the drugs he's on. Or at least I hope that's the case.'

"I eat buttons when I'm two, I eat crayons when I'm three. I stuck a glue stick up my nose when I'm seven. Patty told me to put it there. I did, she gave me a dollar. I bought an ice cream. Daddy told me I was "odd" and he had to take me to the emergency room to get it taken out. But he was laughing. And I laughed too. Mokuba was laughing too. I laughed most. The doctor laughed too, especially when I told him I got a dollar from Patty. Patty is his daughter." Kaiba rambled on and on, a drugged look playing across his features.  He looked happily out the window, lost in a whimsical mist of memories.

Leann took this as an invitation to quietly sneak over, grab the unsuspecting  "Frances" and a fold out chair, set the coat on it and quietly leave the room. 

She stood outside the door way and listened. Kaiba continued to mumble about random memories and such to the coat. 

"Yes, success!" Leann congratulated herself on her most recent victory as she strode down the hallway, receiving odd looks from fellow nurses and patients. 

~~~

About an hour and a half later, Leann strode happily back into the room to check up on Mr. Fruitcake.

Said was sitting up in his bed, holding on to the poor trench coat as he screamed at it.

"Will you marry me or not?! Damnit! Tell me! Please Joey, I love you!"

'He obviously forgot it was me, and has now assumed its identity to be some one by the name of Joey.' She smiled to herself. 'I better not "interrupt" this "special" moment.' 

She chuckled to herself mentally as she checked his blood pressure and refilled his water glass. He didn't even notice her, he was too engrossed in asking his coat to marry him.

"Joey, I love, cant you see? What do I have to do to make you believe me?" He leaned forward and tried to kiss the head, which didn't exist in the first place. 

"Mr. Kaiba, sit down! That is not Joey Mr. Insane-o! That is your coat."

Kaiba sat back, his eyes still blurry. "Mrs. Demon Fiend! When did you get back?" Kaiba asked excitedly.

"More importantly, you need to be resting, and not moving around so much. You are ill, got it. Well, ill in more than one way, but still."

Kaiba laid down on his back sighing happily. "I'm going to marry Joey someday. I love him. He dates Motel6 remember?"

"Oh, sure, I remember now." She said in a sarcastic happy voice. 'What a moron.'

"Or was it Best Western? Oh well, he loves her, and I love him, he should love me though, I make good love." Kaiba said as he pointed happily to himself.

"Really now, I'm sure." Leann said sarcastically as she chucked a "Reader's Digest" at his brown lump of a head, his hair frizzy and messed.

"Oi! Why did you do that demon fiend? I thought you were my frien-… DEMON FIEND!" Kaiba began randomly yelling "Demon Fiend" as he rocked back and forth on his butt clutching his knees tightly.

"Quit doing that, you psycho! I just wanted you to read it, stupid!" Leann grabbed the magazine from his lap and found a better way to use a "Reader's Digest". 

"Read it, damnit!! READ IT!!" She screamed as she beat him senseless with it. 

"WAHH!! Mommy! She's hurting me! Wahhh!" Kaiba stopped rocking around like a loony and was busily trying to fend off her angry assaults.

She stopped as she saw that her work was complete, she had humbled the almighty Seto Kaiba into a whimpering mush on a hospital bed. 'Congratulations to Leann Wicks for her work in room 336. She has earned the Nobel Peace Prize for her services to all of mankind! Lets have a round of applause for LEANN!' She happily thought to herself.

"Well, my work her is done, off to the Batmobile!!" She soared out of the room, then poked her head back in as she chucked the blunt instrument she had used to torture the poor boy with, effectively hitting him square in the forehead when he looked up to see if she had gone.

"She-devil! Be gone Woman!" Kaiba cried as he tenderly massaged the space between his eyes. 

Kaiba cried himself to sleep, crying about when Mokuba chucked his toy John Deere tractor into the river when he was eight.

"But its my tractor Mokuba, why are you so evil baby brother?" Kaiba mumbled as he fell into a deep sleep.

~~~~

On the other side of town, Yugi and the rest of the foursome sat in his room happily talking about who knows what, or perhaps the boys were being tortured with another one of Tea's friendship speeches, who knows, its completely possible, considering the pained looks and expressions the boys wore at the moment. Anyways,  Grandpa happily sat behind the counter of the Kame Game Shop plotting something evil, which was entirely possible too, I mean, he's way too nice to not be plotting something, same goes for Yugi, but as I was saying, he sat there, or stood, actually he's sweeping, yeah, that's it, sweeping, when Mokuba popped inside.

"Well hello there Mokuba, what can I do for you today?" Grandpa said happily, an evil glint in his eyes!! Okay, so there wasn't one, but still, he's plotting I tell you! 

"Hello Mr. Yugi's Grandpa, actually, I was looking for Yugi, is he around?" Mokuba asked as he leaned on a display of Duel Monster cards, slipping half the case into his pants!! Okay, so he didn't do that either, but still, Kaiba said he was evil so…

"Oh, he's upstairs, you can go inside if you'd like." Grandpa said as he pushed past the little munchkin and walked inside. "Yugi, Mokuba's here." He yelled up the stairs.

"Friends are always there for each other, every ti-" 

"Wait a sec Tea, I think Grandpa's calling for me." Yugi said quietly as Tea glared at him for interrupting her infamous opening lines for her most famous and extremely long speeches.

The other boys happily mentally cheered and thanked Mokuba and Grandpa for saving them from the pain and torture they had been suffering previously. Apparently, Tea had been going into a friendship speech marathon, which had lasted, so far, for around 2 and a half hours now. 

Joey was probably the happiest, he had had to go to the bathroom really bad ever since about an hour ago, but he didn't want to have to interrupt her for, as she would put it, "no good reason", she would most likely beat him senseless and leave him in a bloody mess, much to contradict her said "friendship" skills.

"Oh, that's okay Yugi, I'll wait till you get back." Tea said in a kind, yet very much strained voice, her left eye twitching rapidly, much to Joey and Tristan's horror.  When she twitched like that, it usually meant pain. Lots of pain.

Tristan whimpered silently. Tea wheeled at him. "What was that Mr. Taylor? Is there something-" her left eye picked up speed. "-wrong?"

Tristan's voice choked in his throat. "N-no…nothings wrong, I swear."

"Good." Her eye began to return to normal speed, around 65 mph.

Joey, seeing his moment of escape followed Yugi as he bounded down the stairs, meeting up with the younger of the two Kaibas. "Hey Mokuba, what's up? Oi, what's wrong?" Yugi asked, ignoring the randomly inserted Japanese.

Joey came up behind Yugi, seeing Mokuba's depressed looking face also. "What's wrong, is Kaiba stuck in another one of his fancy-smancy games?" Joey asked with a hint of laughter in his voice.

Mokuba looked down, earning the concerned looks of the to elder boys.  "Mokuba, wh-"

Before Yugi could ask again, they heard a crash from inside of Yugi's room. 

"You stupid boy! There is nothing wrong with my speeches damnit!" Tea's voice screeched as another crash sounded followed by Tristan's quiet voice begging for mercy.

"Shut up! Just shut up and die!!" (A/N: Excel Saga Rocks!) More sounds of pain could be heard from the poor defenseless Tristan who Joey had left alone with that evil she-devil, heaven forbid. 

"Oops, I forgot about Trist, dang. He's gonna hound me on this one." Joey sullenly thought out loud .

"Heh, what's going on guys?" Mokuba asked in a slightly frightened tone, okay okay, all out horrified tone.

"Tea was in the middle of one of her friendship speech marathons, you so wonderfully interrupted our torture and have saved us momentarily. But, unfortunately, Tristan was left in the line of fire and most likely said something to Tea's dissatisfaction, earning him pain and uncertain death." Yugi said, his eyes glazing over slightly remembering the horrible, painful, sickening, suicide-inducing speeches she gave, even his sappiness was no match to hers. It also didn't shield him much.

"Anyways, the reason I came here, was because…" Mokuba trailed off.

"No, Yugi will not marry you. And that's final." Joey said snickering.

"What?!" Yugi and Mokuba screamed in unison.

"Eh, sorry guys, you just looked so tense Mokuba, just trying to lighten your mood at Yugi's expense." Joey said meekly, laughing slightly.

"Oh, well that was very kind of y- wait. Hey!" Yugi started to punch Joey in the shoulder repeatedly, or Joey's forearm in his *cough cough* short *cough cough* case. 

"Sorry Yug. So Mokuba, what's up?" Joey said, ignoring the light tapping on his arm, which wasn't hard really, he could barely feel it. Such a sad case Yugi was. Such a wimp. Yami on the other hand, he could probably kick Joey's ass, or just send him to the Shadow Realm if things weren't going the way he wanted them to, but that's not the point, the main point is that Mokuba has been trying to tell them for the last some many random length long paragraphs to go visit his bed ridden brother… wait, I just gave away the next few lines…dang… Quick! Create a diversion!

"Yugi-" Mokuba looked into Yugi's eyes, or at least he tried, Yugi was still attempting to break the skin on Joey's arm to no avail, well, that is until Mokuba started hitting him on the head with half a case of Duel Monster cards he had in his pants!! Okay, so he was actually using his fist, not the half a case of Duel Monster cards I swear he had stuffed in his pants! Anyways, said little boy continued to beat on Yugi as said beat on the poor blonde who was getting tired of the endless stupidity of his said friends. And they said he was less than coherent, shows them. 

"Um, guys? Can we get to the main point?" Joey asked reaching total boredom. 

"Okay, I give in, Mokuba's fist is beginning to hurt." Yugi said rubbing his head as Mokuba stopped hitting him.

'How sad, even a 12 year old can beat up Yugi. How truly sad.' Joey thought feeling sorry for the boy standing next to him.

"Anyways, Yugi…" Mokuba looked into Yugi's eyes this time, no interruptions. Or that is until some men in white lab coats came sprinting in.

"Where is the wild one?" the lead man asked Yugi's grandfather who was oh so suspiciously standing in the shadows of the kitchen, PLOTTING!! Or sweeping, whatever he does when he's most likely PLOTTING TO KILL!! 

"The wild one? What do you mean?" Yugi's grandpa asked, most likely playing dumb, so that they wouldn't catch on to him and his EVIL PLOTTING WAYS! 

"We received a call here stating that-"

"I KNOW NOTHING DAMNIT! I AM NOT PLOTTING TO KILL ANYONE OKAY?!" Grandpa screamed at the man. "NOTHING! YOU WILL GET NOTHING OUT OF ME!!"

The men seemed un-phased by the sudden outburst from the elderly man in front of them.

"Sir, we received a call about a gir-"

"NOTHING!" Grandpa grabbed his strategically placed dustpan and began to beat one of the men to his most likely and most untimely death. The other men still seemed to be oblivious as they began to question the other boys ignoring the shrieks of pain and agony that was derived out of their fellow officer dude man guy.

"I am not understanding you. I know nothing, I swear." Yugi said in a monotone brainwashed voice, his eyes white as glue or a furry polar bear cub, whichever you prefer.

Joey and Mokuba backed off a few feet from their newly possessed friend.

"Okay then. Do you boys-"

"Up here!" Tristan's voice sounded from upstairs. "She's in here!"

The men ran up the stairs finding a badly battered and beaten Tristan who was slumped against the door attempting to keep its contents in.

The men pushed by him and found, to their horror, a brown haired girl who sat in the dark corner rocking back and forth, blood splattered the walls. At her feet, lay a BODY! IT WAS…A BODY! Of… SOMEBODY! Okay, it was… I don't know, okay so there was no body, and she wasn't drinking its blood, big whoop-de-do. Anyways, the men pushed by Tristan, who was having a seizure at the moment, due to all of the vigorous emotional and physical trauma he had suffered due to the evil she-demon girl-fiend dubbed Tea Gardner. 

They strapped her into a white strait jacket and then, just to be on the safe side, strapped her to a long board thing, along with chains and other useless charms and knickknacks that clung to it like a big charm bracelet.  

They wheeled her out the door, just passing by Yugi's grandfather, who swore on his life that he was out in the garden, that they didn't even actually have, planting flowers NOT BURYING MULTIPLE BODIES, and that's why he had dirt on his clothes.  He laughed nervously but dismissed the act, picked up his broom, and proceeded to murder a poor helpless dust bunny that was hiding fearfully under the sink.

Yugi's eyes were still white, but he began to shake like he was having a seizure also, in which he was, but who really cared. The men were busy trying to zap Tea with stun-guns, she had happened to break free and began to run around screaming "Space Monkeys come to me!" Joey and Mokuba were backed into a small corner where they shook in fear. Tristan was having his own seizures to deal with, and Grandpa was busily murdering a ladybug he had found hiding on the window sill.

So, Yugi just… twitched.

And twitched.

To be continued…

Mwhahahahaha! Poor poor Yugi! Actually, poor EVERYONE WHO HAS SUFFERED MY WRATH!! *runs around in circles*

So…. What'd ya think eh? Dumb? Stupid? Really stupid? hehehehe I agree with all three! *is proud*

Well, if I get some good reviews… I'll post some more dumbness for you guys to suffer with. hehehehe *cackles* 

*runs off to get hit by a truck* *a parked truck that is*

One more question… what is Mr. Mutou up to? hehehe

Ja mata!

R/R Please!! (its good for your health… I swear!)


	2. Everybody LOVES Fruitcake! ironically en...

A frog dubbed "Toad": Ello MINDSLAVES!! *rocks back and forth giggling insanely*

Aera: *inches away* um… I don't know him…

Aerik: *walks in* *sees the STUPID!! frog* …… *raises eyebrow* …whatever

Aera: *looks at Aerik pleadingly* …. *whimpers*… he's scaring me… 

Aerik: *smirks* good… hehe *is evil*

"Toad": *continues to be STUPID!! and  twitches*

Aera: *continues to inch away* um.. Help…. *breathes in and out slowly* okay, anyways! … *forgets*

Aerik: *walks off in boredom*

"Toad": *rolls away… STUPIDLY like the STUPID frog he is!!*

Aera: Yeah… okay, anyways… heres more of … whatever this is.. Yeah, heheh, okay… *gets nervous* 

uh.. what am I supposed to say now… *glances around nervously* hehe, uh… *strains to see script* …walk off slowly… Oh! Okay! *walks off…. slowly*

Blah blah blah! 

Disclaimer: 

"Toad": *rolls back in* Yeah, my MINDSLAVE don't own this "Yugioh" tang, whatever this "Yugioh" tang is… yo! *tries to be cool* 

Crowd: *silence* *cricket chirps*

"Toad": *bursts into hysterics* *runs off sobbing hysterically*

Random Person: STUPID FROG!! *throws brick at the STUPID frog*

"Toad": *gets hit* AHHH! MY STOMACH LINING!!

Aera: *walks in* OMG!! HE'S A…. PUPPET!!! *runs around* OMG! I USED TO TALK TO HIM!! AND-AND HE'S A…A-A PUPPET!! *hits truck* *dies*

………………………………..........

…….*blink*

Aerik: How… LAME!! *runs off streaking*

NOTE: This part contains some yaoi.. Yea… *smiles* …um, okay…*sobs*

YEAH YEAH… DA FIC YO MAN DAWG!! (it was stupid up there so ya… *cries*)

CHPT II

________________________________________

Later, everyone, other than Grandpa who was gouging out a kid's eye with a Kuriboh card who refused to buy the $100 Duel Monsters Gift Set that the elderly Game shop owner told him to buy or else, sat in Yugi's room. 

Bakura had stopped by, saw the mess, and had helped to clean it up by doing some mind messing and some memory loss stuff, just to be a good kind citizen to all of course, memory loss is expensive you know.

"So Mokuba, what was it you were trying to tell us about?" Joey asked as they sat in a circle on the floor.

"Oh, yeah…" Mokuba sighed. "Big Brother had an accident…:"

"What?!" Yugi and Joey cried in unison, both having a few "excess" feelings for the brown haired hottie.

"What?!" Tristan cried a few moments later, attempting to fit in and not feel so, not involved. Bakura patted his arm knowingly, and gave him a small smile. 

Tristan blinked a few times, then lunged over and buried his head in Bakura's lap, sobbing hysterically. The albino rolled his eyes as he rubbed Tristan's back, trying to calm down the hysterical boy.

"Its okay Tristan, let it all out, Honey." Bakura snuggle huggled Tristan while he kissed the top of his head lightly. Tristan looked up at the white haired boy. Bakura gently kissed away the boys tears, unfortunately for cow lick licking Bakura, no more came, although something he never expected did.

Fortunately, Yugi and Joey were too engrossed in what Mokuba was saying to see their two friends… doing… stuff…

"What? What kind of accident? Is he okay?" Yugi asked shaking Mokuba by the throat. Mokuba's eyes rolled back into his head as his face turned different shades of the rainbow.

"Let him go Yugi." Joey said, feeling jealously race around in his veins like an ecstatic pony, which is… rather odd. He had thought he had seen something in Yugi's eyes when he looked at Kaiba before. Now Joey knew, YUGI HAD A CRUSH ON SETO KAIBA!! Although it wasn't all that strange, everyone, save Tristan and that psycho Tea had had a semi-crush on that sexy devil known as Seto Kaiba. Everyone including Kaiba's #1 Puppy: JOEY WHEELER! Crowd erupts in applause. 

Yugi obliged and let go of the poor shaken boy. Joey nodded his head in appreciation, before lunging at the heavily panting boy and shaking him to the point where Joey had to allow Mokuba to use the rest room momentarily before he could continue to shake him to where it would be considered child abuse in some states and most countries.

"What happened to-" Did Joey dare? Yes, he dared. "-to my-" He had to drag it out, so everyone knew, save the two lovers who seemed to be doing some… pretty explicit things on the floor a few feet away from the rest of the partially sane people, known more commonly as Joey Wheeler. "- TO MY LOVER SETO KAIBA!" 

Oh, now he would get it, Yugi's blood boiled. How dare Joey call Kaiba his lover, he was YUGI'S LOVER DAMNIT!!

Yugi suddenly transformed into Yami, doing his little spinney glowy dance dance 'evolution thing.

'Get him Yami!' Yugi called mentally to Yami, who was quite tired, he had been sleeping till Yugi had made him come out. 

'Who? What?' Yami asked yawning.

'Joey! Get Joey!' Yugi screamed.

'Why?' Yami asked thoroughly confused by that point. 'What did he do?'

'He called Kaiba, MY Kaiba, his, HIS freakin LOVER! He's MY LOVER!!'

Yami lifted his eyebrow mocking Yugi's childish antics. 'Kaiba IS NOT your lover, he is also NOT Joey's lover either. As far as I'm convinced, thee Seto Kaiba's asexual. He doesn't go after anybody OR anything.'

Yugi whimpered at his yami's harsh words towards Kaiba. 'What the hell are you getting at Yami?' He asked his soul twin angrily.

Yami folded his arms. 'What I'm trying to say is… Kaiba is NOT YOUR lover… he's MINE! Bwhaha!' Yami laughed evilly as he began running around beating things with a strategically placed baseball bat.

'YAMI! That's not fair, you're just a spirit, you cant have Kaiba, he's a physical bodied boy. And he's MY DAMN LOVER, DAMNIT!' Yugi screamed as Yami used his body to beat the walls of his room in with the happy singing baseball bat. 

'I'll just use your body then, hehehehe!' Yami continued to break stuff.

"I'm a happy baseball bat! La La-La La la! I'm just a happy baseba- Ugh! Ow! Yes I'm a happy b- OW!" Mr. Happy Baseball Bat sang as his face collided with the wall.

Yugi screamed inside of his soul room in frustration. Yami just didn't realize how much money it would cost out of his allowance to pay for the damage he had caused.

"I'm a HOPPIE!! BASE-BALL BAT!  I'M A FREAKIN H- ARGH!!! DAMN YOU!" Mr. Not-so-happy Baseball Bat screamed at Yami as he beat Mr. N-S-HBB's  head harder against the wall for his sadistic singing.

"Why, why do you do this to me? Don't you love me?" Mr. Depressed and Rejected Baseball Bat cried. 

Yami began to cry as he saw the look the inanimate object was giving him, strangely enough. "I'm sorry, I really am. The truth is, I LOVE YOU!!!" He fell to his knees clutching the bat to his chest tightly. He glared as he looked around and screamed. "Stay away Shadow Fiends!!"

Yami bounced off with his bat and went… somewhere…

Joey on the other hand, was totally oblivious to the violent behavior Yugi's yami was sporting, and the secret affair he was having with a piece of wood, for he was too busily fantasizing about doing… stuff… with Kaiba, his lover, I guess.

Bakura and Tristan weren't too up to date on the whole Yami/Yugi issue that was happening at the moment, they were too busy making use of Yugi's bed which seemed so lonely at the moment, or so they would like to assume. Poor bed, has no say in the matter. Bed:  ;___;*cries*

Mokuba was too busy watching the confusing scene of Tristan and Bakura that was playing right in front of him. Poor poor child. Poor permanently scarred child. Lets emphasis just how many issues this young child will have in the future. Its tragic really. Oh so tragic.

To be continued….

Hehehe, dumb…. *pushes Yami's new lover into a woodchipper* um, I'm not doing anything… YO GRAMPS! GET OVER HERE!!

Grandpa Mutou: What? I wasn't PLOTTING or anything like that…. *nervous look*

Sure… here *hands GM the woodchipper*

GM: um… okay… *runs off with his new "toy"* I'm gonna go "play" with some kids! *evil eyes!*

Yeah, well, this chapter's short I think… *isn't sure* yeah, well I would have added the other part, but I need a few more sentences to complete it. Instead of doing that, I wrote some dumb sh*t nobody… or at least not MYSELF… would want to read… yeah

Well…

R/R please!


	3. The truth about Serenity and HER EVIL PL...

Sorry for not updating sooner… *is embarrassed* Anyways, I feel as though this fic is losing its "humor" factor. I guess I'm just having a lack of inspiration lately. 

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, just read the first chapter… and/or just think about it carefully.

Anyhoo! This fic has the slash factor, sooo, if you don't like that kinda thing… THEN WHY ARE YOU PRESENT??? GO FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO READ!!!…. I swear… *huffs at all the yaoi flamers* 

Anyways! That's about it! Hope you enjoy!

Chapter… 3!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well now that Yugi and the main gang have permanent psychological problems and many issues concerning their dwindling sanity, we will now move back to the hospital to visit our happy little insane-o fruitcake dude man guy.

Seto Kaiba sat in the fold out chair by the window, staring happily at a fly as it buzzed its head into the shiny glass window.

"Wow, is that fun little PEA BRAINED INSECT!!" He screamed at the fly for its stupidity before smashing it with his thumb. 

He blinked. He looked down at the offending thumb long and hard. Finally, he spoke. "Why, why Mr. Thumb? Why did you kill him? Is it wrong to be less than intelligent?! Huh? Is it? IS IT?!" Kaiba began smearing his finger around on the window, spreading fly insides on it. He banged it on the glass and demanded an answer from his now broken appendage. "ANSWER ME MR. THUMB MAN!!"

Another nurse, dubbed Derek, yup he's a MALE NURSE, walked in. 

"Mr. Kaiba! What are you doing?" He yelped as he walked in… strangely again…, closing the door behind him. He ran up to Kaiba taking his hand away from the window, examining the bent thumb. "What did you do?"

Kaiba said nothing, he just stared.

And stared.

Like how Yugi just twitched.

And twitched.

Derek looked up. He choked. Kaiba was staring at him. 

"W-what are y-you looking… at?" Derek stuttered as he stood next to the boy with the icy clear blue eyes. Derek's own bright shining emerald eyes were shaded by his long reddish brown bangs that fell lazily into his view. What a repetitive phrase…

Kaiba just stared the whole time, his eyes blinked a few times, then fell shut as he fell against Derek's side.

"Uuummm, okay…" Derek said as his face flushed into the brightest shade of red, complimenting the red tones in his hair completely dude!

"Mr. Kaiba… are you.. okay?" 

"Mmn, you're soft, and I like you…" Kaiba mumbled as he cuddled into his side. Derek twitched. 

'Eeee! Meep! Help!' Derek thought as Kaiba wrapped his arms around his waist, bringing him down into his lap. "Umm, please Mr. Kaiba, I know you're… a little drugged, but please…"

"Ssh… I may have had a little more medicine than I would have liked… but please, stay… and play with me…" Kaiba said in a seductive voice nuzzling the nurse's neck.

The other boy tried to push his patient away, but he was too weak, Kaiba was taller and much stronger than him, despite the fact he was a couple years older than the brunet. Derek was about Joey's size but just a bit shorter and less muscular.

'I could get fired for messing with a patient… even if HE came on to ME!' 

Kaiba growled as he nipped lightly at his neck.

"AHHHHH!!!" Derek decide that it was best to scream in a situation like this, well, that's what his teachers always said when he was younger. So he screamed, and twitched, as he screamed some more.

Kaiba stood up bumping the nurse backwards onto the hospital bed. The movement had surprised Derek so he stopped screaming and landed with an "Ompf!" 

Kaiba jumped on top of him before he could retaliate, straddling his waist.

"You're hot… you know that?" Kaiba said as he began nuzzling his neck again.

"Um…please, I know you may be… aroused or whatever… but please let me go!" Derek whined softly.

"Ssh… its okay… I wont hurt you." Kaiba said reassuringly, although it didn't help much, Derek continued to apply his best technique in the survival category, screaming.

"AHHHHH!! HELP ME!!!"

About a minute later, an agonizingly long minute of torture for the short red head, Leann burst in.

"What?! I leave you alone for a second and you go and molest my co-worker! You damned fruit!" Leann yelled as she grabbed her favorite weapon of choice, "Reader's Digest".

She gave Kaiba the same treatment as before, only a little more vicious and less kind.

About three minutes of beating later, Kaiba was huddled in a corner, sobbing hysterically as he moaned and  rocked back and forth on his butt.

"Was that… necessary?" Derek questioned feeling a bit sorry for his assaulter.

"Yes, it may look cruel, but its necessary for his sanity and mine." She said with an evil glint in her eye, similar to that of Yugi's grandfather's. Which could only mean… SHE'S PLOTTING SOMETHING!!

"Um, okay, if you say so…" Derek said as he backed into a corner, feeling particularly afraid at the moment.

Leann burst out cackling as she began to run around in circles whacking random things such as PRICELESS ANTIQUE PICTURES!! off of the walls.

"NO! DA PICTURES!!" Seto declared randomly while standing on his bed, before he decided on returning to his corner.

Derek, seeing this moment as one to escape, left… leaving two psychos to their bidding.

~~~~~

Awhile later… a long while later, things had calmed down a bit, a bit that is, in room 336. Seto lay… strangely unconscious in his bed. Leann towered over him menacingly, a strange look playing across the darkened features of her face. 

"Mwhahahahahaha! I have you now, Mr. Sir!" Leann cried pulling out a pair of…. SLIPPERS!!!  Wait… no, it was a pair of…. pants? Hmn.. Its hard to tell what object Leann is holding at the moment… oh! she just moved, it's a pair of headphones! Anyways, she pulls out the horrible, evil, sinister headphones… and pops them on his head!

She brings out a CD player and pushes play.

"Master. Master. Master. Master…" said a monotone voice over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Leann cackled evilly before.. jumping out the 10th story floor window…. making impact… quite loudly.

It was sweet dreams after that.

~~~~

A once was short, but grew a foot in a couple of days, red-headed girl popped her head into the lonely room that was a 3 digit number, each a multiple of three. Or in other words, room 663!

"Excuse me.. is this Mr. Kaiba's room…" She began to ask before quickly sprinting away down the hall. What she saw, you do not know, but I do… it 'twas a boy by the name of TRISTAN! And another boy with white hair! Their actions… "doing stuff…" Their reason for abducting a hospital bed/room: quote: "AHH! What are you guys DOING?!?!?!!? …. it took me all morning to make my bed… *sighs* ..if only I wasn't so short, then I could actually make my bed without having to use a step ladder… *begins to cry softly* nobody loves me… I feel so alone!

Joey: Aww… its okay Yug, just cause Seto doesn't love you and loves me MOST, and the fact that your yami is sleeping with a piece of sports equipment, or the fact that that Tea freak is quote "A freak", and that the other guy you like, namely the one getting fucked by Tristan…. just a sec.. GO TRISTAN!! … sorry bout that… is quote "getting fucked by Tristan"… *big breath* doesn't mean that NOBODY loves you.  I mean, what about Grandpa, although I'd never personally choose to sleep with him, with all that "PLOTTING!!" and killing and stuff, plus he's kinda old and on the wrinkly side… don't tell him I looked, 'k? And yeah.. Oh, there's Mokuba… *pulls the poor traumatized boy over to his side* … Mokuba loves ya, isn't that right?

Mokuba: *eyes roll back into head* *head flops backwards* *begins drooling and making weird noises*

Joey: *coughs* Um, yeah… hehehe good point there kiddo! *pats Mokuba on the head.. attempting to push his head back into a normal position so Yugi doesn't get suspicious*

Yugi: *is.. startled and DEFINITELY suspicious* …Joey, I think there's something wrong with him…

Joey: Nah, he's fine! Right? *begins smacking boy harshly* You're fine RIGHT?!?!?!

Yugi: *just stares* 

Joey: Anyways! It doesn't matter! *throws Mokuba off to the side… causing him to land on the bed with the two horny toads*

Mokuba: *snaps back to reality* Oh Tristan! I didn't know you cared! KISS ME!! *kisses Tristan*

Joey: *looks at the now horny threesome* *looks back at the sobbing Yugi huddled on the floor* Sorry Yug… looks like Mokuba likes Tristan, go figure.. hehehe

Yugi: NO BODY LOOVES ME!!!

Yami: *walks in* Um… Yugi, could ya help me?

Yugi: *looks happy again* What is it?? Need someone to LOVE??? I know the perfect person! MEE!!!!

Yami: Actually… I think I got slivers up my ass, I was wondering if you could get them out with tweezers for me…

Yugi: *is saddened* Oh… sure, hang on for a sec… *runs off to the bathroom, hopping over Grandpa's latest kill*

Joey: ….I don't even WANT to know where ya got those slivers from…

Yami: *gets teary eyes* But why not??? *starts to cry*

Joey: That's it, I'm done, I'm leaving… *leaves*

Yugi: *hops over the bloody mailman lying in the hallway and reenters the room* Here we are Yami… Yami? NO! NOT YOU TOO!!

Yami: Give it to me baby!! 

Yugi: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! *turns evil… not into Yami… which makes this story very odd at this point…* THAT'S IT!! THERE WILL BE NO LOVE MAKING IN THIS ROOM IF I AM NOT INVOLVED!!! 

Horny Bunch: But….

Yugi: SHUDDUP!! SHUDDUP AND DIE!!!! *pulls Tea from out of his closet* 

Horny Bunch: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO- *deep breath* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Narrator: Eventually the horny bunch, minus Mokuba, who was too young in the first place, and Yami, who had some how had obtained a body between chapters, who was too sore anyways…

Yami: Damn slivers…. *holds bat in contempt*

Narrator: … yes. Anyways, Tristan and Bakura (ß both of them, yami and hikari… don't ask) ended up screwing on a hospital bed, since the neighbors, having young children around, said that they DIDN'T, although they did since they ran a small bed and breakfast, have a spare bed for their usage, although Tristan promised that they only needed it for about an hour…

::END REASON::

Anyways… moving on to the magical growing girl, she ran as fast as her now much longer legs could carry her. Thank god for the operation. She was supposed to only get an eye operation, but her brother was being so nice, not to mention he coughed up way to much money, so her mother advised her to also get a leg operation. Now she is a striking foot taller. Amazering!

Okay, so she is running right? Yeah, so she drags her luggage along with her also, actually its her poor brother on a leash (don't ask), to go see his "friend" who was supposedly in the hospital. 

"Here we are Joey, room 336!" Serenity cried in joy, proud of her success in finding the proper room this time.

The two walked into the room quietly, trying not to disturb the "sleeping" boy on the bed. 

Joey of course, couldn't help but lunge at the handsome boy once his eyes fell upon him. Since both siblings had known this would happen, Joey felt a quick, sharp restraint on his neck. He fell to the ground in anguish.

"Pleeeeease?" Joey whined into the floor. "Ill be good… I promise."

"Sorry! Kaiba is resting, SO YOU MUST BEHAVE!" She yelled as she smacked him on his "muzzle" with a "Readers' Digest" ironically.

Joey sunk to the floor whimpering about something pertaining to "abuse" and "animal rights" .

Serenity just cackled softly as she tied Joey's leash to the doorknob, much to his dismay.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Joey cried as she skipped off, leaving him to his misery.

Joey sobbed softly and made other random whimpering and mewling noises. 

"Why is she soo EVIL???" He questioned in his head, and quite loudly outside of the confinements of his mind. "What have I done?? I should have gotten Yugi to bring me, I think he's over .. MY SETO!! by now."

Then a thought came to him. 

"Seto!! Wake up!!" 

Seto did nothing but lay there, his head in a slightly "odd" position. Joey tried again, and again, and again.

Finally after about 26 minutes, he pretty much gave up hope. He flopped to the floor and began to sob profusely.

"WAHHH!! I SOO SAD!!" He moaned in agony.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will Joey ever get to Seto??? Is Serenity eternally EVIL??? Will ANYONE EVAR looove Yugi??? Will Grandpa strike again???

Find out next time on: This fic!

….*coughs* um, yeah… sorry about the lack of updates.. first of all, FF.net wouldn't even load so I couldn't log on! 

Secondly, this fic has no real point… I cant really write without a plot or a goal… so here is where you guys come in…

WHAT IS A GOOD PLOT/GOAL/STORYLINE??

What should I write about?

If you guys give me some really good ideas I can probably write faster and other small ideas will come to me. Yeah, so PLEASE give me some ideas!! I don't care if they are REALLY STUPID!! This WHOLE FIC IS STUPID so yeah… just PLEASE give me some ideas… *latches*

Example: Have Grandpa kill _______ with a ________. 

I can do that kinda thing, that's all you really have to write if you want to, or you can go really into detail if you want. hehehe, I don't care.

Thanks again! Oh and please R/R!! *dances*


End file.
